thesettingsun | Recolle IC Inbox

[Shuji would thank John for this if he knew.]

What mafia thing, Chuuya?

nothing.

don't worry about it.

that wasn't supposed to go to you

Is this why I'm not supposed to get involved with you? Are the mafia after you? Is past you a mafioso, because past selves are dickheads 90% of the time and that doesn't reflect on you at all.

I don't think past me was a dickhead, no

he just had a job to do and subordinates to oversee.

[casually skipping over those questions...]

That's not an answer! That's not even a good evasion of the question! Please just tell me what's going on, I'm going to worry about you even if you say not to, so please just be honest.

[and chuuya's just going to switch to a call there. the last thing he needs is to misfire this again, to someone he doesn't trust.]

Nobody else needs to hear about this, alright? Whatever you think about past selves and everything, even if you think it doesn't matter--

I don't need anyone finding out and deciding to go after me for shit I haven't even done here. Nobody finds out even if you think they won't do that.

I won't tell anyone.

[Shuji's voice is still a little shaky, enough that Chuuya can probably pick up on that.]

Anything you say stays and dies with me, I promise.

Shuji-

[yeah, he picks up on that shakiness. there's a sigh on the other end of the line.]

Shit, this is why I thought you'd be better off not knowing.

But- yeah, I remember being in the mafia. Somewhere in Japan, I'm pretty sure. I think I started when I was young.

[He remembers being in the mafia.

That's... better than what the answer could have been. The mafia's not coming after him now and he's not currently involved in it. So Chuuya's safe.]

Okay. ...Okay. You're probably going to remember some awful things, or already have remembered them, but you're Chuuya, so I'm sure you'll be okay.

[He's struggled through his own awful memories. For Chuuya, it should be easy.]

...yeah. Yeah, something like that.

[he can't tell shuji the full truth, about his ability or the things he remembers. it's probably too much.]

But how sure can you be that it's not all gonna catch up with us, huh?

I-

[No, he can't be sure at all. He swallows audibly, and starts a different tack.]

That person I was - I hate him. I don't want to be that person if I can help it - everything I remember just makes me hate him more. Even if he's not the Dazai who betrayed you, I don't ever want to be 'Dazai Osamu'.

So I can't believe that everything will catch up to us, because then there's no point in me trying to be someone better than that.

[He needs that much to keep going as 'Shuji Tsushima'.]

...see, there's the thing. Past you sounds like he was pretty different, and I don't blame you for not wanting to be him, but the Chuuya I remember-

[he pauses a moment, takes a breath in and exhales it slowly.]

He had expensive taste and liked good wine. He had people who worked for him who he cared about. He cared about the city he lived in.

He also knew how to kill without feeling guilty about it.

... I almost stabbed someone once because it just seemed like the right move at the time. Not in the past. Here. And he'd have deserved it. I still don't know if I feel guilty that I nearly went through with it.

You understand what I mean?

[shuji's trying not to be the person he remembers, but maybe chuuya already is. that's why he shouldn't be close, why he didn't want him to know.]

[There's no way for Shuji to imagine the best possibility for that statement. It is what it is. Chuuya and past-Chuuya are similar, past-Chuuya knew how to kill without guilt and Chuuya almost killed a man here. And might not feel guilty.

Shuji's quiet for a moment or two.]

...You're wrong about one thing. Past me was a lot like current me.

Past me was the kind of person who worshipped people who didn't even know he existed, who flattered people who already knew he hated them, who was so afraid of conflict that he'd go along with whatever a drunk person said to avoid getting punched in the face. Past me called himself a genius writer, he fussed over his looks - we aren't that different.

It's because we're not that different that I'm worried about turning out like him. If he only had my looks and my name, it wouldn't matter, but most of his vices are my vices, just much, much worse. And I can't stand thinking that I'm doomed to turn out that way.

...Hey, Chuuya. [Shuji swallows audibly.] You're not going to let someone else decide for you how you're going to end up, right? Even if it's you?

[that- makes shuji's determination make a lot more sense, honestly. chuuya had just sort of assumed he was someone else who was going to get hit with things too hard and too fast later, when it turned out it wasn't so easy to escape, but.

if they're similar, it's more understandable.

still, though-]

I don't know how I'm gonna decide, honestly. It's not like I can go back to that if I just decide to, there's not even a mafia here-- I found out crime just suddenly stopped happening as much a while back. Something happened to get rid of whatever underground activity used to be there.

So where's all of this leave people like that, huh? Can't just go back to what past-me would do, but I don't know how they expect us to live like everything's normal. I manipulate gravity, for fuck's sake, am I supposed to just be happy as a bartender?

I don't think anyone can live like everything's normal.

[Most of them aren't considering a life of crime - but most of them weren't criminals in their past lives, probably.]

I don't think anyone's happy, either. ...But for you that's been going on longer?

[You don't consider a life of crime just because you remember killing someone. There has to be a little more of a push.]

I've known for months, yeah. It's just-

[a huff of breath, there. if headshakes were audible...]

It's been getting clearer since then, I guess.

For what it's worth, I don't think your only options are bartender or career criminal, no matter what past you did. The murder thing is - kind of concerning, I'm not going to say it's not, but...

I just. I don't want you to do something like that because you think there's no other way for you to be happy.

['Murder people because you want to' isn't great advice, but it's better than the alternative.]

Jesus, Shuji, I'm not gonna do shit like that just for fun or something.

[he can't help laughing at that, even if it's still quieter than usual.]

Like I said, the guy would've deserved it. He was going after a friend of mine.

[if they deserve it, he makes no promises.]

I didn't want to just assume...

[But the laughter, soft as it is, makes Shuji relax a little more.]

Fuck that guy, though.

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