Week 3, Saturday, post-trial: Natsuo.

[thesettingsun]

[That trial sucked, and Dazai's definitely not going to talk about it with Natsuo, or bring up the fact that he voted for him. If Natsuo not being dead right now means Fitzgerald didn't murder him, then Dazai voting for him doesn't matter unless he actually gets executed. That sounds like Natsuo logic.

Instead, he tracks Natsuo down and asks him a completely different question.]

What are your favorite colors?

Comments

[randori]

[ That is absolutely the logic Natsuo will go by if Dazai told him. He's sulking when Dazai finds him, lingering outside by the gardens— not the trial gardens, but the ones nearer the hedge maze. ]

...Red. Yellow. Purple. Pink. White.

[ etc etc he has lots of favorites ]

[thesettingsun]

Mm, okay... Belph wants a brown tuxedo, so we could do dark brown with a white tie and white accents, that would look good...

[Sulking happens, it's fine.]

[randori]

Brown and white's kinda boring though, isn't it? If you can't write me as being cool, I want to at least look it.

[thesettingsun]

You won't look boring, you'll look stylish and handsome.

[randori]

But not cool. On TV, it's always black— with sunglasses and everything!

[ Like a spy or bodyguard!! he has never seen a wedding tux ]

[thesettingsun]

You can't wear sunglasses to your wedding, Natsuo, your groom has to look lovingly into your eyes while you say your vows.

[randori]

I can prop them up on my head, like this! [ like it's a hairband, both hands in fists up by his temples. ]

And anyways, we already said our vows, so we don't need that! Just the cake!

[thesettingsun]

You can have cake without a wedding involved.

[Even when Natsuo's not murderous he's still so tiring.]

[randori]

Then cancel the wedding. I just want the cake.

[thesettingsun]

...Alright. I'm sure Sanji knows how to make a wedding cake.

[take away his own distraction why don't you]

[randori]

[ He opens his mouth- and then closes it with a small shake of his head. Opens it again ]

Sanji wouldn't poison the cake, but I don't think he'd make it, either.

[thesettingsun]

Why not? Doesn't he like to cook?

[randori]

Yeah, but you cook for people you like- people you want to be happy. He wasn't happy with me today [ or like... any trial, actually, now that I think about it ] so he wouldn't want to do it!

[thesettingsun]

He'll forgive you. He was devastated last week at your trial, you know?

[...maybe he doesn't know, if nobody told him.]

[randori]

[ Nobody told him anything. They just grabbed him the moment they could and started lecturing him about being a dumbass, so Natsuo looks genuinely surprised to hear that. ]

That's... Anybody's death would make him sad. I felt sad about everybody's too.

[ Not devastated levels of sad, maybe, but he can't exactly see Sanji crying for anybody either, least of all him. ]

[thesettingsun]

I haven't seen him break down like that at any other trials. Just yours.

[And the only reason Sanji didn't cry is because he had to push himself to keep going, Dazai figures.]

[randori]

Ugh... well...

[ That makes him feel absolutely terrible, especially since he's been through this several times now- the thought that people shouldn't waste tears on him. ]

I'll do what I can to not make him upset anymore. But even if I promise not to die... it's "don't speak" or "don't touch" or "don't do anything." There's no reason for me being there, then.

tw: suicide talk

[thesettingsun]

[That's a thought Dazai understands, both not wanting others to waste tears on him and...]

...A long time ago, I decided that the life I was living couldn't really be called a life, and chose to die instead. So it's not as though I can't empathize with what you said earlier.

[randori]

That's—-! [ alarming, is what his primal instincts tell him, deep deep down inside where he still feels fear about letting go of it all, despite everything he had said back in the garden when he'd felt driven into a corner.

That's wrong. That's not the same. But isn't it? ]

...Were you so unhappy?

[thesettingsun]

[Isn't it just the same? They couldn't know for sure that death was better than living here, even with near-illegible letters from the other side.]

I was. Some days I still am. I wouldn't drag Evan down with me, so it's not an option here... So no one needs to be concerned about that.

[randori]

Evan... might still live, without a partner. [ Assuming all those previous weeks still held true. They were lucky, back then, that the numbers all matched up. ]

But he'd be sad without you. And everybody else too. Tiger and Dragon would be furious.

[thesettingsun]

He might survive. But I'm not risking it. His life isn't mine to wager.

...I don't particularly care if Tiger and Dragon are mad, but I'd rather not upset everyone else.

[It's such a painful thing, really, that other people worry about him. Even knowing what kind of person he is, they still insist on being concerned.]

[randori]

You should care if Tiger and Dragon are mad? I don't think they're allowed to kill you directly, but they can hurt you, and everybody would definitely be upset then!

[thesettingsun]

You're the one who said we wouldn't be hurt after we were dead. Are you saying they would hurt me even after I died?

[randori]

Right now, at this very moment, you're not dead! Like I'm not dead, and Hikage's not dead and Fane's not dead! We can all still hurt! That's what I don't want!

[thesettingsun]

But if I stabbed myself in the heart here, I would die. Just like you and Hikage and everyone would.

[...Maybe not Fane on account of not having a heart to stab.]

[randori]

It's... we'll die but we won't be gone... Isn't that what the other side is? Like hell, but we still exist?

[ But we still exist. That's what he clings to. ]

[thesettingsun]

...No one wants to die, because normally, we don't know anything about death and what comes after. Even here, we don't have much to go on except a few blotted-out letters. It's impossible to want something you know nothing about.

It's only that you don't want to live. Not like this, anyway.

[randori]

That's it. I don't want to live here. I don't want to watch people be forced to kill each other, have to lie to people that they didn't do it, and live with the guilt that they did. In comparison, that other side...

[thesettingsun]

You don't know anything about that other side, Natsuo. You've just convinced yourself that it must be better than here. It's a low bar.

[He can't blame him. Not for any of this.]

If you want to kill yourself, you can do that, and I won't stop you. But if everyone else wants to keep struggling here, then don't take that from them.

[randori]

If I kill just myself, I won't be able to help anybody else, though. So I can't. I have to be the last one.

[ To die... he's so convinced that they're all going to die, that the war will only end when there's only one person left standing. He's naïve to think he could be that person, but how is he supposed to make sure everybody gets out- through death or otherwise- if he leaves first? ]

[thesettingsun]

That means you can't kill anyone at all.

[If no one else agrees, then Natsuo has to stay here.]

[randori]

...I won't. I won't ever kill anybody. I promise. ...even if I get chosen one week, somehow, I'll find a way out of it.

[ Maybe? hopefully. depends on the rng or however Blotters get chosen ]

[thesettingsun]

I hope you can. ...I hope I can too, if I'm ever chosen.

[Fitzgerald was the only person here who he really wanted to die.]

[randori]

[ ... ]

If I ever find a way- a loophole or something, I'll tell you, okay?

[ That's about the most he can promise at the moment, he thinks. ]

[thesettingsun]

Thank you. Same to you.

[That's as good as they're going to get, right now.]