Week 2, Tuesday: Evan.

[thesettingsun]

[Dazai dreams of a moving truck in his driveway.

It's exciting. He knows this because the child's voice that leaves his mouth is excited, asking if he can sit in the front. His mother looks pained, though she tries to smile for him. His father helps him into the seat.

They call him Evan.

Later, he asks if a truck will come and take his mother away too. She promises him it won't.

When Dazai wakes up, he rolls over to look at Evan on the floor.]

...Are you awake?

Comments

[selfinserting]

[Evan doesn't have an easy time sleeping well most nights, but after the trial and the execution, he's exhausted enough that he drifts off without much effort during the night. The dream he has, though, wakes him up as it ends. It's rare that he feels calm or peaceful, but more so than usual, it leaves him stressed. It feels incredibly specific, too specific to be a normal dream.

When he hears Dazai speaking to him, though, he turns over to look at him. There's concern in his expression.]

Y-Yeah. Are you - um, is everything okay?

[thesettingsun]

I'm fine. I just... had a strange dream. It's probably nothing.

[But Dazai can't shake the feeling that this is more than a dream. His aren't usually so clear and detailed, and when they are they're usually nightmares.]

...Did you dream about anything?

[selfinserting]

[After a moment, he nods.]

Y-Yeah, I did. Actually, I think it was, um, about you? At least, someone said your name, and they were t-talking about a novel... But it was, um, weird.

[But that brings to mind another question.]

Did, um, did you dream about anything?

[thesettingsun]

[His name and a novel are easy enough things for someone's mind to fill in blanks with. Those aren't very strong details, and normally Dazai would like to think he's on people's minds enough for them to dream about him.]

...Your father drove off in a truck.

[selfinserting]

[He stills slightly at that, pushing himself up so he's at least seated upright rather than laying on the floor. His voice turns serious.]

...What? That doesn't... I never told you that.

[thesettingsun]

[That reaction says enough.]

You didn't tell me. I dreamed about it.

So... whatever you dreamed of, it must have happened in my life.

[selfinserting]

[He looks toward the ground, thinking for a moment even as he shakes his head.]

How... How could they have done that?

[thesettingsun]

How could they have done any of this?

[It's a useless question, even if it's an understandable thing to ask.]

Tell me what you saw. I at least want to know what it was you were witness to.

[selfinserting]

There were, um...

[He looks up towards Dazai for a moment, frowning.]

There were a few people who came to talk to you about, um, how you shouldn't give up because your books are too important. And that, um, you can overcome everything that was... going on.

[He takes a breath.]

I'm sorry, it seems really personal, I didn't mean to... um, dream it?

tw: suicide talk

[thesettingsun]

So you saw Haruo-sensei and Odasaku talk me down from trying to kill myself.

[The memory is a recent one, still sharp. Dazai looks up at the ceiling, and breathes in slowly.]

...That's fine. It can't be any more personal than what I saw.

[selfinserting]

...Yeah. Um, that was it.

[He takes a breath.]

You said it was - when my dad left?

[thesettingsun]

Yeah. They let you sit in the front seat of the truck. ...You asked your mother later if a truck would take her away, too.

[He doesn't know how to respond to this, whether sharing his own experiences would help at all or not. So all he can say is...]

Sorry.

[selfinserting]

It's fine. I-I mean, it happens, so...

[He shakes his head.]

A-Anyways, I should be the one saying that. I-I mean, what I saw was worse, so... Are you, um, are you okay? I mean, did it get better?

[thesettingsun]

I'm more okay than I was. I'm still here, so I must not have killed myself then.

[...maybe that sounds too callous. Even Dazai, who has no issue talking about his suicide attempts, recognizes that.]

It's a recent memory.

[selfinserting]

[He nods, the concern clear on his face.]

Did you... Um, see anyone to get help after that?

[thesettingsun]

...What do you mean?

[what the fuck is a therapist]

[selfinserting]

[He gives a small shrug.]

Y-You know, um, a therapist or a psychiatrist or anything like that.

[thesettingsun]

Oh. No, I've never seen a therapist. I'm not even sure if they had ones you could just go to when I was alive? We had mental hospitals. And lobotomies.

[Mental health in Japan: it's probably improved since Dazai was alive, but that's a low bar to clear.]

[selfinserting]

[A long pause, his eyes widening slowly while a look of concern comes to his face.]

What? Dazai, that's... That's horrible.

[thesettingsun]

It was the forties. What exactly did you expect? I'm lucky that I was only hospitalized for drug addiction and not anything they would cut up your brain for.

[Not that he was very fond of rehab either.]

[selfinserting]

I-I guess, but...

[He sighs, glancing at him for a moment.]

It's still awful. It should have been, um, been different. It should have been better.

[thesettingsun]

...'Should have' doesn't mean much. You should have grown up with both parents, I should have grown up with either parent. That doesn't change the reality.

[Dazai has had phases of idealism, when he was young. He's not young anymore.]

[selfinserting]

Right. I-I just mean... I'm sorry, um, that it was like that, and that you deserved, um, better. That's all.

[But something about that gives him pause. He worries he might be prying, but...]

You, um, your parents weren't around...?

[thesettingsun]

Father was an important politician and often away from home. Mother was perpetually ill. I was raised by a number of nursemaids. Most of them I don't remember their faces now, I didn't have them long enough.

[This may have slightly influenced his growth, but there's nothing that can be done about it.]

[selfinserting]

[After a moment, he nods, giving a small sigh.]

...I know that's how it was, but - I'm sorry it was. It must have been, um, hard.

[thesettingsun]

If you don't have anything else to compare it to, you don't think it's hard. But, seeing that memory... I'm a little jealous of you.

[A loving mother who tucked her only child into bed.]

[selfinserting]

...Yeah. It's not really, um, things aren't like they were back then anymore, but I know she's doing her best. It's really great when I, um, get to see her.

[A beat.]

Sorry.

[thesettingsun]

You have nothing to be sorry for. If you had to apologize for jealousy, I'd be apologizing all the time.

[Which he's not going to do, so there.]

[selfinserting]

Okay.

[He still looks slightly uncomfortable with that, but that's not exactly a rare thing for him.]

Do you think this'll happen again...? Um, the weird dreams.

[thesettingsun]

Probably. When are things allowed to be normal?

[it's been like two weeks and Dazai is already predicting events]

[selfinserting]

[A pause, and then an exhale that almost sounds amused.]

Y-Yeah, I guess that's a good point. I'm sorry if you get anything, um... Anything else that's personal.

tw: suicide mention

[thesettingsun]

It's not your fault. I should be apologizing, some of my memories aren't... pleasant.

[He honestly hopes Evan doesn't get a memory of a suicide attempt. He may be fine with those, but he has enough awareness not to wish that on someone actually well-adjusted.]

[selfinserting]

If it's not my fault, it's not, um, your fault, either. But, um, I'll be okay. I promise.

[thesettingsun]

I'll remind you of that the next time you apologize for something that isn't in your control.

[selfinserting]

[He looks as though he wants to protest, but...]

A-As long as I can do the same.

[thesettingsun]

If you insist.

[can't you just let him be a massive hypocrite]