thesettingsun | Week 0, Saturday, post-trial: Evan.

W-Well, um, anything that you want to talk about, I guess.

[But if he had to narrow it down...]

Why did you, um, vote for someone you knew didn't do it...?

Because I liked Sharpay, and I didn't think it would matter. There wasn't any chance of her not getting a majority, and - I just didn't want to vote for someone I liked.

I know it wouldn't save her. I know she killed someone and didn't deserve to be saved. I just wanted to make myself feel better, I guess.

...I'm sorry.

[He hesitates again, turning possible responses over in his head before he settles on one.]

I think... E-Everyone deserves to be saved, even if they've done things wrong. I'm not, um, angry or anything, I just wanted to know why. [...] Did it, um, make you feel better? I hope it did.

It would have made me feel better if she didn't call that name out in front of everyone. Ion didn't do anything wrong, and he didn't deserve to know that someone would rather vote for him than the culprit.

...But if I had to do it again, I would still write down someone else's name.

[Just, someone he liked less.]

I-I think... he probably understood why you did it. If, um, if that helps. I would have understood, i-if it were me.

[He walks towards the bed, picking the book Dazai loaned him up from where he left it on the dresser.]

I, um, finished this, by the way. If you want it back.

[Dazai perks up the tiniest bit at that, because that depressing book is just what he needs to cheer up.]

What did you think of it?

I... I liked it. Um, a lot.

[He doesn't want to go into just how close to home parts of it hit. He may not have been able to relate to the alcoholism and sexuality contained within the pages, but the prevailing sense of loneliness and lack of emotional connection throughout absolutely struck a chord with him. Admitting that, somehow, would make him feel more vulnerable than he would like.]

If I can ask... Um, w-which parts of it were autobiographical? [A short pause, before:] S-Sorry, that's probably a really personal question, so you don't have to answer or anything! It's, um, it's fine. Never mind.

It's fine, just give me a second.

[He knows his own masterpiece, of course, but he has to think about what made it to the final version. Editing is hell, after all.]

Aside from the general themes of not connecting with humanity... There's the sexual abuse with a female servant as a child, the alcohol, the double suicide attempt where she died and I didn't, the neglect of university studies, the affair with a married woman, the relationship with a woman too good for me and abandoning that relationship, the morphine addiction... I think that's most of them.

That's...

[He doesn't quite know how to respond, and from his expression, it's fairly clear he regrets asking.]

I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have... I'm sorry.

It's fine. It's nothing you can't find out from a Google search.

[Even if he didn't write and publish this himself, Dazai more or less has to be okay with the worst parts of his history being public knowledge, available for complete strangers at a click of a button.]

Someone told me my strength was being able to share my weakness.

[After a moment, Evan gives a small nod of acknowledgement when Dazai says it's fine, but it doesn't remove the light ache of guilt making its way down his spine.]

T-That's... a good way to think of it. But... [How to word this?] I-I know you mentioned you don't mind strangers knowing that much about you, but h-how did you, um, become okay with it? Or did you always just... not care?

How... What I wanted to do was explain. I couldn't stand the thought of people looking at me and saying, "That Dazai, he's good for nothing, why couldn't he have turned out like his brothers? He lived a comfortable life, it's shameful that he became like this." At the very least, I wanted to try to make people understand before they judged me.

People will judge you whether you publish stories about yourself or not. Unless you live as a hermit on a mountain, that's always going to be true.

[Another pause, during which he exhales slowly.]

T-That's... pretty cynical, isn't it?

[There's no skepticism or ire in his voice, though. It's said as though he's stating a fact.]

Don't you judge people? Maybe you don't mean to, but you make assumptions about strangers you only see for a minute. Decide if their actions are good or bad when you don't know all the details. An employee is talking on their cell phone at work and you get annoyed without knowing how important that conversation is.

Everyone judges people. I'm terrible at understanding how my actions are judged, so at the very least I wanted to explain myself clearly.

[In something a little more appropriate than a four-meter long letter.]

Maybe, but... T-The way you just explained it a second ago, it sounded like you thought everyone is thinking terrible things about you. T-That's what I meant.

[He looks uncomfortable, looking down idly at his hands.]

S-Sorry. It isn't, um, really my place. I shouldn't have said anything. It just seemed kind of, um, familiar.

...If you want to talk about it. Maybe you could have a better ending than I did.

[Dazai is absolutely not the person to give advice. He's still not entirely convinced his ending was a bad one.

But he could try to understand.]

Oh, no, I didn't mean... It's familiar, but not f-for me. Just, you reminded me of someone I knew once. That's all.

[Which is a lie, but only a partial one. It does remind him of someone else, but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't similar to him, either.]

What happened to them?

[Probably nothing good.]

Oh, um...

[Based on the look on his face as soon as Dazai asks, nothing good is a pretty fair assumption.]

He, um, he killed himself.

...You're right. That is familiar.

[And now it leaves Dazai in an awkward position, because he most definitely is not the right person to give condolences.]

You can still talk about it if you want. I might not have much helpful to say, but I can listen.

Oh, no, that's...

[He shakes his head.]

I only really talked to him once or twice, so it's not... I-I mean, it's awful even if I didn't know him well, but I'm fine. [He shakes his head.] B-Besides, I came to see how you were doing, so...

I'm doing about as well as you'd expect. No news here.

[...yay?]

Okay. But, um... A-Are you going to be okay with, um, whatever happens to her?

...She made me promise to survive, so I'll have to.

[Surviving and being okay are two different things, he almost says, but decides against it.]

T-That's good advice. But... S-Surviving doesn't always mean you're okay.

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tw: csa, suicide, drugs, just everything

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cw: suicide

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